Let’s face it. Our country could use some serious improvements.
It has become more apparent in the most recent years of my young adult life, that people I know personally or famously have ZERO clue to a multitude of concepts…. as small as proper hygiene or decent social skills…. or knowing when to righteously convict a monster (good job, Florida.. Syke).
I have since decided how I would change – nay – IMPROVE this little nation of overweight children and terrible TV.
A ruler is only as good as their right-hand men and women (and insanely gaudy crowns, which I’ll obviously have many). The first advisers I shall instate will be Penn Jillette and Raymond Teller, aka the guys from Penn & Teller’s show “Bullshit!” They will weigh in on every important decision with actual facts and legitimate insight, while distracting the more ignorant populace with oodles of non-contextual boobies.
Trey Parker and Matt Stone will be my foreign diplomats. They portray obvious expertise on the going-ons in the Middle East, Canada and the Jewish faith.
Morgan Freeman will also be on my advisory board, but solely to read me my nighty-night stories.
Decree 1: Sterilization of the “Snooki’s”
All those EVER having appeared on Jersey Shore (main cast, hook-ups, even those possibly susceptible to the same, germ-infested air) would be immediately sterilized for the safety of the world.
Just think of what would happen if those creatures were to reproduce…
SHIT! Too late!
Decree 2: The Kenny Chesney Facebook “Unfriend” Button
I recently made the dire mistake to forgo my iPod and CDs in my car to catch up on some new radio music in a sad attempt to up my hipness. The Scan button should come with a warning label.
WARNING: More than half of Mid-Ohio stations are country. We don’t get it either. Sorry if your ears bleed.
I – somehow- made it through the ride home, only to login to Facebook and be diarrhea-ed on by nine trillion statuses about some crappy concert.
If when I rule, this will be no more.
Decree 3: Text Courage = Prosthetic Testicular Delivery
In a world where Twitter is the new water cooler and internet porn the new excuse to having zero dating game, people simply can’t handle people these days. This poses as extreme frustration for the few of us who actually can handle a hearty confrontation.
My third decree will be an automatic, prosthetic scrotum… delivered hot and fresh to the doorstep of every internet troll and text bully. With the added boost of synthetic testosterone and less hiding behind textual means, this world will be a much more harmonious place. And maybe some will finally get laid while they’re at it!
These will be the first Decrees of an era of peace and happiness under the rule of Awesome-Ruler-Me. More to follow.