If I Ruled The Nation… Part 1

Let’s face it. Our country could use some serious improvements.

It has become more apparent in the most recent years of my young adult life, that people I know personally or famously have ZERO clue to a multitude of concepts…. as small as proper hygiene or decent social skills…. or knowing when to righteously convict a monster (good job, Florida.. Syke).

I have since decided how I would change – nay – IMPROVE this little nation of overweight children and terrible TV.

Advisory Board

A ruler is only as good as their right-hand men and women (and insanely gaudy crowns, which I’ll obviously have many). The first advisers I shall instate will be Penn Jillette and Raymond Teller, aka the guys from Penn & Teller’s show “Bullshit!” They will weigh in on every important decision with actual facts and legitimate insight, while distracting the more ignorant populace with oodles of non-contextual boobies.

Trey Parker and Matt Stone will be my foreign diplomats. They portray obvious expertise on the going-ons in the Middle East, Canada and the Jewish faith.

Morgan Freeman will also be on my advisory board, but solely to read me my nighty-night stories.

Decree 1: Sterilization of the “Snooki’s”

All those EVER having appeared on Jersey Shore (main cast, hook-ups, even those possibly susceptible to the same, germ-infested air) would be immediately sterilized for the safety of the world.

Just think of what would happen if those creatures were to reproduce…

SHIT! Too late!

Decree 2: The Kenny Chesney Facebook “Unfriend” Button

I recently made the dire mistake to forgo my iPod and CDs in my car to catch up on some new radio music in a sad attempt to up my hipness. The Scan button should come with a warning label.

WARNING: More than half of Mid-Ohio stations are country. We don’t get it either. Sorry if your ears bleed.

I – somehow- made it through the ride home, only to login to Facebook and be diarrhea-ed on by nine trillion statuses about some crappy concert. If when I rule, this will be no more.

Decree 3: Text Courage = Prosthetic Testicular Delivery 

In a world where Twitter is the new water cooler and internet porn the new excuse to having zero dating game, people simply can’t handle people these days. This poses as extreme frustration for the few of us who actually can handle a hearty confrontation.

My third decree will be an automatic, prosthetic scrotum… delivered hot and fresh to the doorstep of every internet troll and text bully. With the added boost of synthetic testosterone and less hiding behind textual means, this world will be a much more harmonious place. And maybe some will finally get laid while they’re at it!

These will be the first Decrees of an era of peace and happiness under the rule of Awesome-Ruler-Me. More to follow.

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Scariest Villains From My Childhood

I would like to think I’m somewhat of a movie buff, with my interests ranging from good old classics and popular blockbusters to snobby foreign films and Indie productions. I love how I just used the word “film,” which itself is awesomely snobby and used frequently by me. FYI… I love good movie recommendations and it would be super neat if you were to comment or send me some of your own favorite hidden gems.

My life before this glorious beacon of hope – Netflix – is a dark and scary void. I have tried to force these Dark Ages into the recessed part of my brain. Years from now I’ll be fetal-positioning it up in a therapist’s office while he tries to make me recount these meaningless years of my life. 

ANYWAY… after spending way too many hours catching up on new shows and orgasming when a new movie is in my mailbox, I started re-watching some of my childhood favorites. And I have one thing to say to my mother:

“Why the @#$% did you let watch some of these things!?”

Nightmares were re-had from maniacal villains, some of which are from “child-appropriate” movies. Maybe I’m just a giant wuss and over think the mental capabilities of said villains. Or, more likely, Disney hires serial killers to give their two cents on how best to scare the androgynous pants of young tomboy Sammi (and make her bowl haircut stand up on ends – another question I need to ask my mother… WHY?! ->)

I decided to sum up  and share the top five most horrifying characters from these childhood *films.*

5. Hobo from Dennis the Menace (1995)

Starting off the list as the least threatening -yet terrifying – bad guy is the hobo from Dennis the Menace. Interesting fact, this character’s name is Switchblade Sam; if I had known this while seven years old, I’d have had even more nightmares with the bulletproof logic that because MY name was Sam I was destined to be switch-bladed.

Sam is played by Christopher Lloyd, who is inarguably THE man. However, the make-up and grime makes him unrecognizable and downright frightening. Also, I distinctly remember him stealing a super creepy doll from the annoying redhead girl in the movie, and most of my nightmares consisted of him in the scene where Sam grossly eats a can of Beans.

4. Vet from Beethoven (1992)

The vet from one of the best dog movies, Beethoven, still haunts me in my sleep. Today, when I take my cats to the vet I still hold my breath, scared he will walk through the door.

Now, image-wise he isn’t the crazy looking but he definitely was a villain who gets under your skin and messes with your mind. He reminds me of a guy I would see in my Complete Encyclopedia of Serial Killers (I’m not crazy, I swear).

I re-watched Beethoven recently, and a  factor that may have contributed to my outlandish fear of this dude is the scene where he orders his cronies to destroy supplies and documents in a furnace. When I was six (and until now), I thought there were puppies in all those boxes being shoved into the flames. What the hell…?

3. Clown from The Brave Little Toaster (1987)

I think any description I could have written is bested by this video. If you haven’t seen Brave Little Toaster, it’s awesome, but who in God’s name did they get to come up with this absolutely horrifying clown for a kid’s movie. Watch the video and you’ll get what I’m saying.

Amiright, or amiright?

2. Aliens from Mars Attacks! (1996)

I know I’ll get a lot of flak for this, because it’s supposed to be a comedy, but these aliens seriously scared the bee-Jesus out of me. It was insanely difficult posting a picture on here as they are so creepy I could barely stand seeing them again.

One scene in particular I remember is the leader of the aliens shakes the President’s hand for a “peace treaty.” The leader’s hand detaches and crawls around the president while everyone watches with bated breath. They the hand forms a tail-spike-thingy and stabs the president through the heart. Surprise, Mr. President! Night-terror territory. I’m not sure how accurate this is but I refuse to check my facts and re-watch any scene.

1. Vigo from Ghostbusters II (1989)

I’m a huge Ghostbusters fan and my ring tone for at least three years was the Ghostbuster’s theme-song.

But my biggest childhood boogeyman is undoubtedly Vigo, the guy who comes out of the painting. Watching this film as an adult, I’m still unsettled by him.  Vigo’s backstory, which made more sense at 22 than 6, makes him even creepier:

“On a mountain of skulls, in a castle of pain, he sat on a throne of blood… Vigo the Cruel, Vigo the Torturer, Vigo the Despised, and Vigo the Unholy. In 1610 his people rebelled against him, and decided that his death should equal his cruelty. Vigo was poisoned, stabbed, shot, hung, stretched, disemboweled, and finally drawn and quartered. Before he finally died, his severed head uttered his last words: “Death is a but a door, time is but a window. I’ll be back!” -Mulitversal Omnipedia

Vigo’s ability to transcend earthly rules and flit around in the realms of both the living and the dead make him the creepiest bad guy I’ve ever experienced on screen. This girl will only rest easy knowing Bill Murray is around to kick your butt.

————

So, Vigo rounds out my top villain list. I’m now interested to know your guys’ scariest villains that still give you the heebie jeebies. I don’t want to be the only one staying awake tonight after recounting these terrors. 🙂

-SB

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Weapon Ready For Rapture (NERDS ONLY)

According to Gunther von Harrigna, on May 21 “God will open up all the graves around the world… the entire surface of the earth will be littered with the decay of the people that died.” 

If Harrigna and the rest of the Christian radicals are correct about this Saturday, then we are all majorly screwed… unless you’ve been an avid gamer ever since you motor skills kicked in.

A part of me thinks maybe Harrigna is right about this Rapture solely because of the increase in zombie movies and post-apocalyptic video games over the last decade. Perhaps there is a God, and has his Almighty hand in our entertainment industry to prepare for the Second coming.

Here is my list of the weapons I would like to have handy this Saturday (all the while this Glee Thriller/Heads Will Roll mash-up playing in the background) for some Badass-Rapture-Zombie-Smashing:

Modern Warfare 2’s SCAR-H and Akimbo Rangers

The Scar was undoubtedly my favorite assault rifle of the game. For this Saturday I’ll probably pair it with a suppressor so I can stealthily mutilate the undead.

For close range combat, and this is imminent as I live in a city with narrow streets and buildings, I’ll harness my inner cheapskate and go with Akimbo Rangers. This is, of course, if Saturday isn’t playing by Black Ops rules and all the secondary weapons are laaame.

Dune Buggy from Borderlands

This will not only be my mode of transportation when my Hyundai Sonata fails to turn on (a la Tom Cruise’s War of the Worlds), but also a deadly killing machine. These things can kill level sixty creatures just as easily as level one’s with one satisfying squish. I will also be riding in style in the hot pink option.

Motley of Melee Weapons

These will include:

  • Guitar from Left 4 Dead
  • The Ripper from Fallout 3
  • The Fan from Super Smash Bros. Brawl
  • The Sex Toy from Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas
  • Katana from ANY game
  • The Wrench from BioShock, ideally paired with Zombie-weakening electricity or ice. And after all we are dealing with Rapture
  • Elder Wand… Duh
So whether you are of the Chosen few to ascend, or those damned to everlasting doom, tomorrow should be fun for all – if you are prepared like me.
<3SB
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3 Embarrassing Situations That Happen to Normal People

Have you ever thought “why me??!” in a perhaps petty situation? I do that on a daily basis, and usually it’s because of something out of my control or an unforeseen circumstance.

Just the other day I had my cat, Monkey, poop in the living room. As I was yelling at her, holding her present in a wad of paper towels, she looked up at me with that disgustingly cute face, and splat went the warm substance all over a school paper that I was just leaving for class to turn in.

I’m pretty sure you don’t have turds rolling around on important document as a daily, common occurrence. But the following situations I’m sure have snuck up on you more than once.

1. The Grocery Store Greeting

Seeing a co-worker, acquaintance, or a former fling at a grocery store doesn’t sound initially awkward (unless your former flings are similar to mine and are at Satan’s right hand), but depending on certain factors it can quickly turn weird.

You start out shopping in the deli and fruit department and start your ritualistic winding through the aisles and you see said person. You then chitchat for three minutes about “so and so got married” or “oh my god, where did you get those shoes?” Then you politely say your goodbyes with over enthusiastic smiles, and go your separate ways. Or so you thought.

They just began their ritualistic aisle winding as well, and, horrifyingly, it’s in conjunction with yours! Shit. You make flitting eye contact in the pasta aisle, and suddenly you’re really interested in the nutrition facts on Ragu Alfredo. It gets worse, and worse each time until you two have a mutual understanding in the frozen section that the other doesn’t exist.

2. The Sniper Poop

Okay, don’t get any ideas that I’m obsessed with poop, as this is the second mentioning in just a few paragraph. It just so happens strange situations often involve shit (I’m totally coining the word “shituation”).

This one can happen on two different levels. The first: you’re dying at work or class, that foreshadowed rumbling starts and you run to the restroom. Walk in, four stalls, no one in any, you’re in the clear for a relaxing BM. You get nice and comfy and the door opens. Trying to take care of business while not making it obvious you’re cleaning out your entire system is not only difficult but humiliating.

The second shituation (it’s going to catch on, I swear): is when you do said BM, come out relieved and happy, proceed to wash your hands, and someone walks in. The face they make because of the odor is also humiliating (disclaimer: if you have a personality that I envy, you would think their disgusted face is hilarious, and feel pride at your stinky accomplishment).

3. The Wrong-Outfit Event

The most extreme situation would be Legally Blonde-esque where you’re tricked into wearing a sexy bunny outfit to a lame party full of stuffy law students clad in variations of brown and beige turtlenecks.

Or, you can mistakenly think an event is jeans acceptable and it turns out to be dress pants and button downs. You sit there awkwardly in your flip-flops and shorts while the other girls at the party are donning dresses fit for a private school prom. The situation is just as embarrassing vice-versa. For the guys, your snappy pinstripes are eyed evilly by the bros in jeans who make comments such as “can I see a menu?

For Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (I love Harry Potter… all the haters to the left), I decided to dress up as Dumbledore for the midnight showing. I had figured that the entire theater would also be following suit. I made my own beard, spray painted a branch for a wand, and bought a sparkly cape (see photo). Arriving at the theater, only one other person was dressed up.

Though I felt initially awkward, all I could do was brace my individuality and go with the floo powder (sorry, I had to).

❤ SB

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Hello World!

First posts are about as awkward as a blind date or interview, so this time around I’ll be brief. I’m starting this blog to share crazy thoughts, stories and experiences. Expect organized chaos. I won’t be preachy, pretentious or try to woo you with my overly smart writing.

I’m just a bit of a sassafras, with sincerity and some life experiences in which I’ve met amazing people, crossed paths with some evil souls, and own the occasional bad luck… all of which tend to create some pretty unique topics to share.

Check out my About section, and ALWAYS feel free to Get in Touch over anything.

I just needed to pop the first blog cherry… so now the fun can begin.

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