Have you ever thought “why me??!” in a perhaps petty situation? I do that on a daily basis, and usually it’s because of something out of my control or an unforeseen circumstance.
Just the other day I had my cat, Monkey, poop in the living room. As I was yelling at her, holding her present in a wad of paper towels, she looked up at me with that disgustingly cute face, and splat went the warm substance all over a school paper that I was just leaving for class to turn in.
I’m pretty sure you don’t have turds rolling around on important document as a daily, common occurrence. But the following situations I’m sure have snuck up on you more than once.
1. The Grocery Store Greeting
Seeing a co-worker, acquaintance, or a former fling at a grocery store doesn’t sound initially awkward (unless your former flings are similar to mine and are at Satan’s right hand), but depending on certain factors it can quickly turn weird.
You start out shopping in the deli and fruit department and start your ritualistic winding through the aisles and you see said person. You then chitchat for three minutes about “so and so got married” or “oh my god, where did you get those shoes?” Then you politely say your goodbyes with over enthusiastic smiles, and go your separate ways. Or so you thought.
They just began their ritualistic aisle winding as well, and, horrifyingly, it’s in conjunction with yours! Shit. You make flitting eye contact in the pasta aisle, and suddenly you’re really interested in the nutrition facts on Ragu Alfredo. It gets worse, and worse each time until you two have a mutual understanding in the frozen section that the other doesn’t exist.
2. The Sniper Poop
Okay, don’t get any ideas that I’m obsessed with poop, as this is the second mentioning in just a few paragraph. It just so happens strange situations often involve shit (I’m totally coining the word “shituation”).
This one can happen on two different levels. The first: you’re dying at work or class, that foreshadowed rumbling starts and you run to the restroom. Walk in, four stalls, no one in any, you’re in the clear for a relaxing BM. You get nice and comfy and the door opens. Trying to take care of business while not making it obvious you’re cleaning out your entire system is not only difficult but humiliating.
The second shituation (it’s going to catch on, I swear): is when you do said BM, come out relieved and happy, proceed to wash your hands, and someone walks in. The face they make because of the odor is also humiliating (disclaimer: if you have a personality that I envy, you would think their disgusted face is hilarious, and feel pride at your stinky accomplishment).
3. The Wrong-Outfit Event
The most extreme situation would be Legally Blonde-esque where you’re tricked into wearing a sexy bunny outfit to a lame party full of stuffy law students clad in variations of brown and beige turtlenecks.
Or, you can mistakenly think an event is jeans acceptable and it turns out to be dress pants and button downs. You sit there awkwardly in your flip-flops and shorts while the other girls at the party are donning dresses fit for a private school prom. The situation is just as embarrassing vice-versa. For the guys, your snappy pinstripes are eyed evilly by the bros in jeans who make comments such as “can I see a menu?
For Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (I love Harry Potter… all the haters to the left), I decided to dress up as Dumbledore for the midnight showing. I had figured that the entire theater would also be following suit. I made my own beard, spray painted a branch for a wand, and bought a sparkly cape (see photo). Arriving at the theater, only one other person was dressed up.
Though I felt initially awkward, all I could do was brace my individuality and go with the floo powder (sorry, I had to).